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IT humour even for the non-IT! |
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!" The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra." The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side." The computer scientist: "Oh, no! A special case!" Contributed by Shruti Agarwal |
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David Moose kept staring at his computer screen for quite a while. To break the long pause another guy comes to him and asks, 'Why are you simply staring at it... why don't you do start working?' He replies, 'Take a look at the screen...'. The other guy looks and there displayed is the message 'Press any key to continue'. The man asked 'So what?' David replies replies, 'Look, this keyboard doesn't have the 'Any' key!...How do I continue now...' Contributed by Jayashree Adapawar |
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| Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hockey 3.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the Uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks. A Troubled User REPLY FROM TECH SUPPORT: Dear Troubled User, This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary misconception among men. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings: Maintenance/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application program Yes_Dear to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults" (GPFs). "You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs tend to be somewhat cyclical, occurring approximately 28 days apart. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES_DEAR because ultimately you will have to use the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to require very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as Clean_and_Sweep 3.0, Cook_It 1.5 (which replaces Burn_It 1.0) and Do_Bills 4.2. You must however be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag_Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen. WARNING!! *DO NOT* under any circumstances, install Secretary_With_Short_Skirt. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Regards Tech Support -Contributed by Hassan Ali |
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There are many good reasons why computers should be referred to as she! Here are just a few........... 1.No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval. There are many good reasons why computers should be referred to as he! Here are just a few....... 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. 4. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time they ARE the problem. - Contributed by Taher | |
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "Everyone's fine. I'VE just quit drinking." - Contributed by Sanjay Sharma |
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Anytime you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton, and you'll realize thereare lots of people in the world far, far more idiotic than you could possibly be... AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks." A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" |
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Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet. "That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?" "Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL". |
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You feel dumb, don't worry Anytime you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton, and you'll realize thereare lots of people in the world far, far more idiotic than you could possibly be........ AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks." A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" |
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