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Time for Professional Smiles!

	Ticket Please! Three accountants and three software engineers were traveling to an official meeting in another city by train. At the station, the accountants bought 3 tickets but the engineers bought only 1 ticket. One of the accountants asked them, "You are 3, how will you travel on 1 ticket?" "You will see", came the reply. In the train, the accountants sat on their seats but kept a close watch on the engineers. The engineers made a beeline for the toilet and all three crowded into one. The ticket checker came, he stood outside the toilet and said "Ticket please". One hand came out of the toilet with the ticket, the checker checked the ticket, returned it and went away. The accountants liked the scheme. On the return journey, accountants bought one ticket and engineers bought none. One of the accountants asked them, "How will you travel without a ticket?". "You'll see." Came the cool reply. In the train, accountants crowded into one toilet and the engineers into another. After 5 minutes, one engineer came out, went to the accountants' toilet and said in an authoritative voice, "Ticket, please!" Contributed by Sunil K. Goswami
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	Real Police Reports The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the police on report forms. The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't know. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him. When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull. I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed. Contributed by Sudhanshu
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	A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" Contributed by Ashima Singh
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	Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth surgeon said, "I like technicians...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end...!" Contributed by Shalini Verma
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	There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew every thing there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws: There wasn't a better accountant anywhere. Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a minute, and then close and lock it again. This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this person exhibited. They tried many times to look over his shoulder, or get into his desk when he wasn't there, without success. One day when the elderly man was sitting at his desk, going over an account, he suffered a heart attack and died. This upset everyone tremendously.However, now that he was gone, the other members of the firm could finally see what was in the drawer. After obtaining the keys, they unlocked the desk drawer and cautiously peeked inside. They found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was: "DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"
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	After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago. So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibbers, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians." One week later, the Indian press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, Indian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors "were already using mobile phones." -Contributed by Sanjay Sharma
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	A dietician was once addressing a large audience "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!" -Contributed by Sanjay Sharma
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	Big Moose is buying a TV. "Duh..h! Do you have color TVs?" "Sure." "Give me a green one, please." Big Moose was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column "SALARY EXPECTED:" He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes Big Moose proposes to a woman. She says "Yes. Only if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots." He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally when they send out a rescue team, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over to the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims: "71st and again barefeet!" Big Moose goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos." Big Moose then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." Big Moose says, "I'll take it!" The next day, he walks into office with his new thermos. His boss sees him and asks: "Duh..h! What is that shiny object you have?" Big Moose replies:"Duh! It's a thermos boss!" The boss then asks:"What does it do?" He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow! What do you have in it?" Big Moose replies: "Duh..h! Two cups of coffee and a coke!"
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	Lawyer One-liners What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? - One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish What do you need when you have a car half full of cement and a lawyer in it? - More cement. What's the difference between a lawyer and God? - God doesn't think he's a lawyer. A lawyer after listening critically to a potential client's story: 'Hmmm.... I don't think they can put you in prison for such a small thing.' 'Where do you think I'm calling from?'� How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? - When his lips are moving.� How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? - Depends on how hard you throw them. � Why won't sharks attack lawyers? - Professional courtesy.� What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer? - You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline. �
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	Engineer in Hell An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.�St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You had your good life, you can't come in here."�So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there's speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.� One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"� Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."�God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."�Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."� God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right....and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
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	Five Doctors Went Duck Hunting Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.� After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to shoot was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.� Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This turn was the pediatrician's, who drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.� Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. � Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him and said. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
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